The Weight of Ashes

Sadie

The dark brown wood of the casket reflects the bleak afternoon light. I step forward, the wind biting at my cheeks, and let a single red rose slip from my trembling fingers. It lands softly on the polished lid.

"Goodbye, Garrett. I will always love you." I whisper the words to the biting wind.

I take a heavy step back. The mechanical gears groan in the silence of the graveyard. I watch without blinking as the casket is lowered into the deep stone vault. My husband's remains will burn inside these walls until there is nothing left but ash and dust. It feels like a cruel irony considering how he left this world. But his soul departed his body long before the flames ever had a chance to touch him. He lost his fight with life long before his heart stopped beating. He lost his beautiful laugh. He lost his cheeky, vibrant personality. He lost the simple ability to dress himself or speak a single coherent word to me.

Seven months ago, he finally came home. We were supposed to have time. We had seven fleeting months to rebuild our bond. Seven months to create a lifetime of memories to sustain me. Seven months were all we had before he left me, clinging desperately to his unfailing faith.

Right up until the bitter end, he held onto his belief in God with an iron grip. I never understood it. If I am being honest with myself, I still do not understand it today. How do you keep your faith when your body is slowly stolen from you in the cruelest way possible? How do you hold onto heaven when the sky does nothing to ease your suffering?

I will never understand his devotion. But for Garrett, it was his greatest joy. His faith, his overwhelming love for God, and his dedication to this exact church defined him. I made sure he got his final wish. I made sure he was cremated right here on these sacred grounds. I might not have shared his views. I certainly did not get what I wished for in this life. But I made damn sure he got exactly what he wanted.

Footsteps crunch loudly against the gravel. I pull my black coat tighter and turn my head. His family marches out of the heavy church doors. They look at me like I am a repulsive disease they just scraped off their shoes. His lifelong friends follow close behind. They shoot me venomous glares that burn right through my freezing skin. I do not blame them. I cannot even find the energy to be angry. Knowing what they know, they have every right to hate me. They have every right to wish I was the one rotting inside that coffin instead of Garrett.

I stand perfectly still in the graveyard, waiting for the very last mourner to disappear down the path. Only then do I force my heavy legs toward the church exit. The isolation is a physical weight, crushing the air out of my lungs. I step beyond the iron gates, and a pair of strong arms suddenly pulls me in. For the first time all day, the cold vanishes. I feel warmth and comfort, not hatred or bone-deep loneliness.

"How are you holding up, Sade?"

I lean my cheek against his chest and look up. Bennett's eyes are lined with red and brimming with unshed tears. Seeing his raw pain forces a fresh wave of my own to spill over my eyelashes. I shrug my shoulders, my throat far too tight to form words. I want to scream. I want to shatter the stained glass windows and beg for my husband to come back. But I do not want to speak. There are no words left inside me.

A sharp ringtone cuts through the silence. Ben pulls his cell phone from his pocket. He answers the call and immediately pulls me tight against his side, rubbing a soothing hand up and down my freezing arm. His steady presence helps me catch my breath.

"Hi, Evelyn. Yes, I am on my way right now. I just had to step out for some fresh air. Of course, I will be there in ten minutes. Goodbye, Evelyn."

He shoves the phone away and wraps both arms around my shaking shoulders.

"I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but you will be okay, sweet pea. I promise you." He pulls back just enough to flash his trademark Bennett grin.

A weak laugh escapes my throat. Despite the agonizing weight on my chest, he is the only person on earth who can drag a smile out of me right now. I cherish him for it.

"You should head to the wake before Evelyn calls again." My voice is a raw, jagged scrape of sound. I have done nothing but cry for the past two weeks since Garrett died. Hell, I have cried every single day for the past five months, watching him suffer while I stood by helpless.

"She will be fine. I would rather stay here with you."

I know he means it. But Evelyn already hates me with a burning passion. I refuse to add fuel to her fire by keeping her dead son's best friend away from the wake.

"I know, and I love you for that. But she needs you there. You were his best friend, and he was her only son. She is hurting, and you bring her comfort." I hold my hand up flat against his chest to stop him before he can argue. "Do it for Garrett, and do it for me. I hate that I cannot be there for her or the family. You have to take my place. Help them for me."

He searches my tired eyes. He knows when I will not budge.

"Okay, I will go. But you call me the second you need me, you hear me?"

I nod my head. He presses a soft kiss to my forehead, whispers a final goodbye, and walks briskly toward the parking lot. I watch his car drive away before turning toward the winding coastal path. There is only one place I want to go.

The wind howls off the crashing whitecaps. For four solid hours, I sit on the weathered wooden planks of his favorite bench. It sits tucked away on a steep grassy bank overlooking the endless sea. This was always his sanctuary, through the good times and the bad. We sat right here on this exact wood just two days before he died. Two days before he left me in ashes. He looked out at the churning ocean with that beautiful, serene smile on his gaunt face. That image is permanently burned into my mind. It will haunt me forever.

I reach a trembling hand deep into my coat pocket. My fingers brush against the stiff paper. I pull out the letter. I have read the ink on these pages a thousand times over the last two weeks. Every single time, the words slice through my heart just as deep and bloody as the first time I read them.

A bitter sob racks my chest. Sometimes I pray Ben never found this letter on the night of the fire. The truth is a relentless nightmare. Knowing what it says feels like swallowing jagged glass. But if he had not pulled this from the wreckage, I would have spent the rest of my miserable life questioning Garrett's sudden death. I am not sure how I would have survived that toxic uncertainty. Not that I am surviving this brutal reality much better right now.

My husband was an incredible man. He was loved by so many people that the massive church overflowed, leaving mourners packed on the front steps. Yet I have never felt so terrifyingly alone. This seaside town was once our safe haven. These hostile people were our family and our friends. None of them include me anymore. I do not belong here. We moved to this coast for a fresh start, to be close to his parents again. I loved our life here. Now that he is gone and everyone wishes me dead, the streets feel hollow. Even with Bennett by my side, this place is nothing but a graveyard of memories.

I stand up. My joints pop, aching from the freezing gale. I walk the short distance back to the Crestview motel. The neon sign buzzes relentlessly in the dim twilight. I step inside the empty lobby and head straight up the stairs for Room 309.

The heavy door clicks shut behind me, sealing me inside the suffocating air. I kick off my shoes. I let my coat slip off my shoulders and fall in a heap on the floor. I collapse onto the edge of the cheap mattress and blindly massage my throbbing feet. The shadows in the room stretch long and dark across the stained carpet.

I reach into my pocket one more time. I pull out the crumpled, secret letter. I know I am torturing my own soul. I know I should tear it into tiny pieces. But my hands unfold the paper on their own. I trace the familiar loops of his handwriting. The devastating, shocking truth hidden in his final words stares back at me. I cannot stop the fresh flood of hot tears. I press the paper tightly against my chest, curl my knees to my chin, and let myself break down all over again in the quiet darkness.